What if...

"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  All life is an experiment.  The more experiments you make the better.  What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn?  What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice.  Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble."  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

 As a child, my son was notorious for playing what I called, the "What if?" game.  It showed his developing analytical thought processes, curiosity, and ability for thinking outside of the box. He would continue to create scenarios until at times I would just say, exasperated, "You cannot play the "what if" game your whole life.  Sometimes, you have to take a risk - take a chance - and see what the out come truly is."  Amazing how we (myself included) are afraid to take those risks and chances, but instead play it safe by staying in a relationship that we know is not good for us, or keeping a job that we absolutely hate, or doing all the things that are expected of us so that we are kept in favor by other people.  Just typing that out made me cringe and utter an expletive.  Why do we tend to demand so much from other people but not for ourselves?  I discover something new about myself when I let go of expectations - some are good, some are not so good but it's who I am.  The good, the bad, and the downright unfathomable.  I still care what people think and that is the hardest hurdle I've yet to overcome. I'm not saying that you should go out and be an absolute ass without a care in the world (because I truly believe in Karma), but when you let the fear - yes fear - of what other people may think of you dictate what you do or say, or keep you from doing what you really want to do, is that living your life to it's fullest potential?

My boyfriend and I appear to be polar opposites.  He's very structured and always has to have a plan and direction and I'm not.  As the warmer weather approaches our relationship could get very interesting.  I love going to the beach and he doesn't.  There will be weekends where I'm going to go and be active and explore this beautiful world that God has created and if he doesn't want to go - oh well.  That may seem harsh or unfeeling but no one knows how much time we have on this earth - why not spend it being happy?  I hope we can find something fun to do together - we will have to see.  I'm still not sure about us as a couple or any potential future we may have but I feel I can at least call him a friend. 

So what if this relationship doesn't work out?  What if I take a chance and look for a new job in this unsettled market? What if I allow myself to let go of expectations and live every day hoping to make a difference in someone's life?  

What if I don't? 

Note to self.. I Love You!

"Loving yourself has nothing to do with being selfish, self-centered or self-engrossed. It means that you accept yourself for what you are. Loving yourself means that you accept responsibility for your own development, growth and happiness. When you love yourself, you pave the way for all you want and need to come to you at the right time in the perfect way.The most accurate measure of our worth is how much we value ourselves. When we value who we are, we are sure to draw to us others who value us as much. We cannot convince others how wonderful and marvelous we are if we do not believe it."

I'm embarking on a mission - finding ways to love myself and fall madly in love with - ME.  Sound crazy? Egotistical? Self absorbent?  Self centered?  As I sit here recovering from toe surgery (thanks to my parents I had a toe that was too long, and I say "was" because part of the toe surgery was to shorten the bone) I have a week to keep my foot up and under ice and spend a lot of time thinking - demystifying the mystery of yours truly.  Not an easy task at all - hell, half the time I can't even figure myself out and why I do the things I do.  I've been told I'm self destructive.  Absolutely.  

Side note - the boyfriend just called - (2nd time today - and I'm going to call him the boyfriend (BF) for no other reason than he refuses to say I'm his girlfriend - LOL) to check on me and get a report of what the doctor said today at my checkup. He asked me if I needed anything - he was actually going to drive up here if I needed him.  How sweet.  I just may keep him.  

I think I'm going to start a love affair - with myself. I've finished my toe exercises for today and since it's late, I'm going to go to bed and get a good night's sleep. I can sleep in tomorrow (and I think I will) followed by whatever my little heart desires (with limited mobility).  On the agenda is watching movies, reading, (toe exercises are unavoidable) but I will also spend some time pampering myself (facial, relaxing bath (foot extended out of the water since I can't get the stitches wet), definitely some meditation, yummy nutritious food and if the weather is warm enough, sitting outside on my balcony in the sun).  I think I will also make a list of the top five things that I absolutely love about me and what makes me smile. 

My very first task will be to stop seeking approval from other people. At my age - I really should care less what people think. I've noticed over the past few months that if I don't actually show people (like the BF) who the real me is, not only will I not be living as my true self but I will be deceiving him and other people I meet.  If he can't handle the fact that at times I laugh at the most random shit, or that I times I have a potty mouth, or that I like to LIVE and do other things besides watch TV then he's not the one for me.  When my toe is fully healed it's balls to the wall baby - you can either hang with me or I'll  catch you on some down time.  Life is too short not to live it fully.  It's time that I stop hiding - me.   Ready or not - HERE I COME!!!

Value Yourself!

Stop treating others as though they are of greater worth than you. Nobody is more important than anyone else. And nobody is more important than you. Nobody. This is not about having a massive ego or being self-righteous; it’s about stopping all the self-sabotage. You know what I mean. It’s about not rationalizing mediocrity and failure any more. It’s about changing your standards and your thinking. It’s about not letting your poor self-esteem get in the way of your potential and your possibilities. It’s about not letting your past become your future. In case you don’t know or you haven’t been told, I will tell you now; you are worthy, you are talented, you are good enough and you are powerful. More than you know. If you don’t believe those words then you don’t value yourself as you should.

I seem to lose sight of this concept quite often - more often than I'd like.  With that being said, there's no one to blame for my predicament except me. My whole life people have told me that I'm too nice and I let people get away with too much or walk all over me.  The sad thing is that it's true.  I would rather let people walk all over me than to have them mad or upset with me.  I think I was born a people pleaser and in some ways, that's totally disgusting to me. I still find it hard to stand up for myself and to tell people what I really think for fear - of - well... abandonment.  I've had abandonment issues since I was a child.  

We tend to blame others when they don't love us or treat us the way that we want to be loved or treated.  Instead of expressing how we feel, we blame, judge and then convict the other person of being guilty. Then we project our verdict onto them and wonder why they react negatively and then use that negative reaction as further proof that our verdict was in fact, correct. Instead of blaming and judging, if we can open up, become vulnerable and EXPRESS our feelings and needs, we give the other person an opportunity to course correct and with this new information. 

This is going to be an experiment with the "boyfriend".  Instead of not saying anything when he comes over on the weekends and takes over my TV I'm going to open my mouth and take control of the remote for at least some of the shows that I want to watch.  And if he says they're stupid I may just kick his ass to the curb. Really?  You're going to come over to my house and call the TV shows I want to watch stupid?  I don't think so.  By the end of this he may think I'm a real bitch but I must take back the parts of myself that I've been letting slip away for fear that he wouldn't like me. It starts tonight - now.  The other part of all this is... should it be this difficult?  I think I'm the one making it more difficult that it should be.