"You teach people how to treat you..."

"Guilt is a wastebasket term that we use to cover everything negative and bad. One defining factor of guilt is that we commit the ultimate betrayal: abandoning ourselves. If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to heal yourself." -- Dr. Phil

I have realized over the past week or so that I feel guilty. I've been thinking that the old boyfriend has a problem with forgiveness (and that still may be so) but I feel guilty when I'm around him and I find myself over compensating for it.  I'm not telling him what I want or how I feel in an effort to not ruffle any feathers. I let things that he says slide and I find myself making excuses for him. Another quote by Dr. Phil that has always stuck with me is, "You teach people how to treat you."  That is exactly what I'm doing - and I'm teaching him all the wrong things. I still have a long ways to go in putting myself first and standing up for myself and I get so angry that I can barely stand being in my skin because of it.  I am always on edge when I'm around him and I will admit that a lot of that is my own doing. I don't relax because I still feel guilty and I let him treat me in ways that I don't want to be treated. This has got to stop and it will stop.

Twenty-six years ago I made a decision to marry my son's Father and even though the marriage didn't work it happened for a reason - and I believe that reason was my son.  He is truly a remarkable individual and brings so much love and joy to everyone he meets.  I can never regret that decision however, I do regret the apparent devastating affect it had on the old boyfriend.  I have abandoned myself in this instance. I have abandoned my thoughts, feelings, and I can slowly feel my confidence drifting.  I went dancing Saturday night and I even though I think I look better than I have in years, it was hard to keep that thought.  I will go ahead and say that I'm now wearing a size 14 jeans, my collar bones stick out, and in one photo my wrists look deformed because all I could see was bone. When will it stop? When will I obtain that holy grail of self acceptance? When will I look in mirror and see something beautiful?  When will I stop changing who I am to benefit other people? 

I have had many people tell me that the old boyfriend is a sweet and wonderful guy. It doesn't feel like it some times - at least to me. It's odd that my devotional I've been reading this week is on patience and forgivness.  Perhaps I need to read them again.  I believe this is happening for a reason and it could very well be a test of my growth spirtually and emotionally.  Time will tell. I must and will start standing up for myself again. I've come too far to slide backwards.

On a completely different note - when people who you thought were your friends suddenly stop talking to you and won't even say what the problem is - I'll admit it.  It hurts. A lot.  Time goes on and your heart heals - or hardens - whichever the case may be and you let it go. I believed that God wanted those people out of my life and I've been getting on just fine with out them.  The odd part comes when after four months of no contact you get phone and text messages from two of them asking why you walked away and demanding that you talk.  Call it the stubborn Taurus in me or the Irish in me or the Devil in me --  I wasn't about to call or talk to them.  Fast forward three hours of that same night and the hand made wreath I had on my door disappears and is found obliterated on the bottom floor of my apartment building.  Coincidence? Doubtful.  Completely childish? Absolutely. If they were my friends at all and knew anything about me, they would know that such childish acts is not the way to go.  In any case, all I'm choosing to do is ask God to guide their heart and souls and to go on with their lives and find peace.

It's a new week and  a new chance to start fresh. Life is glorious that way. Each day is a new beginning.

My hero...

Instead of wishing you were someone else, be proud of who
you are. You never know who was looking at you wishing
they were you ...

I had someone tell me today that I was their hero and inspiration. I smiled politely and feeling somewhat embarrassed said, "Thank you! You're very sweet."   My idea of a hero is a solider, a cancer survivor, or a survivor of some other great tragedy that takes its toll on the human body, mind and spirit. So, when someone says that to me in reference to my weight loss I become flustered and completely discombobulated. I have not learned to accept compliments with grace and humility.  When I stated that I wanted to lose another 30 or so pounds she looked at me and said, "Where?"  I could have hugged her for that. 

When I start to frown and be critical of the image that I see in the mirror I remind myself that I am created in God's image and He loves me no matter what.  I will keep working on being as healthy as I can, exercising and making the right food choices and control the things that I can. What I have the most difficulty with is the parts that I have no control over. I will probably never wear short sleeve shirts or wear a swim suit out in public.  I had another whole person inside my skin with me and I've got to love all of me - the total package - wrinkles, sags and all. If God loves me as is, why can't I? 

I am very flattered and proud when I am told that I am an inspiration. I consider it a blessing and an honor.

It's not all about me...

Prayer: Lord, for your sake I want people's main impression of me to be that I love others well. 

Something I try to remind myself quite often is to stop over thinking and over analyzing things. It doesn't do any good and more often than not it leaves me with the inability to sleep and a sour disposition.  I had a friend (and I love his absolute honesty) make the statement when I was explaining my confusion over the old boyfriend's behavior and what, if anything could be done about it, "It's kinda conceited of you to think that it's all about you, ya know." I actually laughed out loud at the sheer genius thinking of that sentence. My ego gets in the way and I always think that whatever the problem is has something to do with me. 

If I remove my emotions from the scenario it's easier for me to just let things be. I have a need to control each and every situation and if I can't, I start to panic. 

The old boyfriend doesn't call every day and I suppose that's to be expected.  I did see him Friday night for dinner and a movie and not much has changed. I'm not sure what role I'm supposed to play in his life - because I do believe that absolutely everything happens for a reason. The places you go, the negative and positive energy that flows through all of us is not by coincidence. Life is a journey. The people you meet along the way are not always supposed to stay in your life forever. They will weave in and out of your life - and it will always be a learning experience for all. 

I continue to work on my own emotional and spiritual growth. I know that I have abandonment issues that stem from my childhood and I desperately try to hold onto everyone that enters my life.  When I change the focus away from myself and concentrate on being a reflection of God's love to others, I find that I am more relaxed and able to not take everything personally.

Never chase love or affection. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.

I will let the old boyfriend come to me as he feels comfortable and not try to control or over analyze why he does what he does (or doesn't do).  What I can do is offer unconditional love (as a friend) and be there for him when he needs someone to hang out with or talk to.  I've discovered that having this attitude seems to work better for me.

Life is too short...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life. 

Amen.

Saint Francis of Assisi

 I went to my first country line dancing class tonight and I am so glad I did! It is one of my goals for this year - to learn as many dances as I can and have fun doing them with other people. After the lessons I checked my phone for messages when I was on my way home. No messages. No calls. Mulling this over during the drive I remembered that life is too short and that I shouldn't be so stubborn to expect him to be the one to call all the time.  

A friend of mine called me and told me that his girlfriend tried to commit suicide today. No matter how utterly hopeless things seem, life is far too precious for it to end by your own hands. I make a call to the old boyfriend as soon as I walk in the door. Throughout the course of the conversation I actually tell him what has been on my mind the past few days. I express my confusion at the change in his attitude and the way he behaved towards me a few weeks ago (the intimate kissing and affection) to what is has become now (a chaste kiss on the lips here and there) and also my desire to understand what, if anything, he is expecting from me or the time we're spending together. His answer? He doesn't want to talk about it.  He even mentions again what happened in high school and I know my patience is gone at this point but I try to remain calm and once again say, "As I've told you before, I cannot change what happened when we were in high school and God as my witness I am very sorry if I hurt you, but that is so far in the past.  You have your past and I have mine but we are not 18 anymore, and we have to move forward from this point."  

I invited him to come over Friday night and see a movie with me but I have no idea now if he will show.  I give it one more shot and ask him, "Can you at least tell me what you're feeling?"  "No."  Now I realize that sometimes guys cannot communicate their feelings well but I don't believe what I was asking was all that difficult.  I'm just asking what happened between three weeks ago and now and what do you want from me? 

I started thinking again about the prayer above and perhaps I need to be a little more understanding and patient and take the advice I was given yesterday to not try so hard to find someone steady.  I expressed to him how I felt and what I was thinking, and that's all I can do.  I hope at least I gave him something to think about - but my suspicion is that it went in one ear and out the other. 

Mirror, mirror...

"One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people."
Dr. Wayne Dyer

Do you ever stand in front of the mirror and say to yourself, "Seriously. What. The. Hell? Why are you still so concerned with what other people think about you?" 

Someone told me today that I should take more time for myself and not try so hard to find someone steady. It didn't occur to me that I appeared to be trying so hard. As much as I like having time to myself, surely it's understandable that I want someone with whom I share quiet times, travel, go on adventures, and have that one person that I can trust and love unconditionally by my side. 

Are there times when you start wondering if your standards are too high? [Side note: Mozart's Requiem is an excellent piece to listen to while you're pondering such deep musings] Is it ever okay to lower your standards or guidelines that you live by just to avoid being alone?   

What is causing such angst? Tonight I found myself expecting a call from the old boyfriend. He has called me for 16 days straight and I've begun to look forward to those calls. As I've said before, expectations get me into serious trouble. Since it was getting late, I asked myself, "Should I call him?" Did I mention that Pride & Prejudice is my favorite movie? I am, at times, my own worst enemy. I can be very stubborn and prideful, and I cause the majority of my grief myself.  I could have called him, but didn't. Haven't we established some sort of status quo with him calling me? He calls, I answer, we talk, and it's enjoyable.  My ego is a bit miffed because he hasn't once said that I look nice when we go out or any of the other pleasantries that men usually bestow upon women. As much as I tell myself that I don't need anyone else to approve of me, you know very well deep down, we all love compliments and expressions of affection. 

Aren't we all afraid of rejection?  Is there anybody else on this roller coaster? Does it have to be this hard? I detest dating sites or dating more than one person at a time.

Don't misunderstand, I'm quite capable of existing on my own and have done so for quite a while.  However, those moments of loneliness are tough to deal with even when you know it's better than being miserable with someone who just isn't for you.  We're going to have to have a serious talk soon, this old boyfriend and I. We're not 18 anymore and I'm the kind of person that likes to know in what direction things are going.  

In the mean time, the only thing I can do is keep going and keep believing in myself.

Here I Go Again...

"If someone makes you miserable more than they make you happy - it doesn't matter how much you love them, you need to let them go."

... and another new year begins. To say that I have come a long way would be an extreme understatement however, I have a great deal more to accomplish and I'm still learning about *me*.  Who am I? What do I want? What is my desired end result? 

Over the past two years I have lost 175 pounds. I did not have surgery (and for those of you that choose that option - God bless you and good luck).  I still follow a low carb / no sugar lifestyle and I have at least 30 more pounds I'd like to lose. I would be lying if I said it was easy. It is one of the hardest tasks I have ever undertaken but it has also been the most rewarding because *I* did it for *me*.  I find myself dealing with the after effects of losing a whole person and I recently joked with my sister with regards to the joys of "gravity".  "When it gets cold all I have to do is remove my bra and I have instant knee warmers!!"  Unless I win the lottery or become the beneficiary of some unknown wealthy relative, excess skin is a physical, mental and emotional hurdle I will have to deal with for the remainder of this life's journey.  When I can totally love me - exactly as I am and not flinch when I look in the mirror - will be another life changing moment.

I recently encountered an old high school boyfriend and have seen him multiple times over the past few weeks.  It's been 26 years and I'm not sure where this is going - if anywhere.  When you've been single for any length of time you get comfortable with your own routine, doing what you want when you want and unless you're really ready to make some concessions and compromises I would suggest stating up front - "I'm not looking for a relationship."  There's a part of me that knows he hasn't forgiven me -- (flashback to high school: my senior year I told him I was engaged to someone else). I can't go back and undo that decision and I will not regret it because that marriage gave me the most incredible gift and the center of my world - my son.  The old/new (?) boyfriend and I are getting to know each other again and I will tell you now that I am one of the most patient and kind people you'd ever want to know, but I have my limits.  New Year's Eve finds the two of us at a club and I have chided myself for having expectations. Expectations leads to disappointment when people don't act or behave in the way you want them to. Was I hoping for a romantic kiss at midnight? Absolutely. What did I end up with? A chaste kiss on the lips.  I mean, three weeks earlier he was all over me. Why yes. Color me confused.

I want what anyone else wants.  Someone who loves God and follows His will, is my best friend, loves me exactly as I am, will always be in my corner and have my back, will proudly say to other people, "Yep, that's *my* girl," will tell me that I'm pretty even when I don't believe it myself, and will stay committed to me.  I invite you to come along with me on that journey to determine if such a person actually exists.