You're Okay

Sometimes we just need someone to say, "Hey, you're okay. It's all going to be okay."

I'll tell you - You're okay, you're more than okay - you are a divine creation of God.  Too many times we let other people's opinions influence how we see ourselves.  You're not alone - I've done it, and will probably do it again but I'm getting better at catching myself before it gets out of hand. We seek validation from other people in areas that we feel the weakest and personally, I think that's okay.  It only becomes a problem when you think you are less than without that validation.  When someone says you look nice, did a good job at work, made them feel special, listened to them or helped them in some way, smile and say thank you.  It's nice to hear but it's something we should tell ourselves all of the time.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking in the mirror and saying, "Damn girl, you look good."  There isn't anything wrong with patting yourself on the back for everything that you've accomplished and feel good about. 

People will hurt you. That's a given fact in life but we hurt ourselves more by letting it continue. Do this: draw your line in the sand, step back and say, "No more." Don't make it about them, make it about YOU.  You're choosing to make the best decision for you. The most eye opening question I had posed to me this week was, "Why do you want to let someone who doesn't want you occupy your thoughts and your time?"  "Because I want this person to want me and care about me."  "Why? What's this person done for you to make you feel that way?"  Ah. ha. Absolutely nothing.  Other than feel needed in a kind of sick used way - absolutely nothing.  People change, sometimes without explanation and we have to be able to adapt and adjust to what our needs are.  It's not being selfish. Not at all.  Did you ever consider that God and the universe have something better for you and that you needed to be able to stand up and shout, "I deserve something better!"  People come in and out of our life all of the time. Yes, perhaps you are wonderful, kind, and giving to everyone you meet and even though it may not be reciprocated, it doesn't mean that somewhere along the road it won't have that positive influence on them.  Maybe they'll stop and consider that they can have something better too and people aren't all the same.  You may never know what change you'll make in their life, but also consider what change they've made in yours.  Be thankful for everyone you meet, even if they hurt you because they're teaching you what you do and do not want. They're teaching you to be stronger and resilient and to appreciate those in your life who love you and think you're the bomb. :) Which you are by the way...

Making mistakes doesn't make you a failure.  Failure is giving up.  Don't give up, it's going to be okay and you're okay now - you just have to see it.

Nom Nom Nom

There are some people in this world that will suck the life out of you if you let them.  Like vampires they feed incessantly, ignoring your gasping, gurgling struggles- oblivious to everything except their need to control, posses, and destroy - you. 

Sometimes, I think that perhaps they just don't know any better, they were never taught as children how to respect other people, to perhaps for once, put someone elses needs above their own. 

But you know better don't you?  You're shocked by that first bite, the slight sting of pain that occurs when they've sunk their fangs into you. Now what? Do you step back and say, "No! Get the f* off me!"or, do you just let them continue because when you're in that moment it may feel good?  You feel needed, wanted, loved and maybe even some perverse form of pleasure and you let it continue.  Hmmm. Comfortably Numb. The danger is that you will lose yourself, you'll lose sight of who you are and what you want.  It's the epitome of codependency. A vicious, nasty cycle of insecurity, needing to be needed, bad habits and manipulation.

Is it hopeless then?  Not at all. Pick an emotion that will help center you again. Personally for me, it's anger.  When I'm pissed, I really am  one cold hearted bitch with ice in my veins. I feel nothing except the anger.  Not the best thing I know, but its my emotion and it suits me for that purpose.

One of the best feelings in the world is when you unhook those fangs, smile a decidedly evil smile, laugh like you're possessed and wave bye bye. Bye bye.

Who needs a map?

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have someone you care for at a distance...

I used to be terrified of driving anywhere that was unfamiliar. The fear of getting lost kept me from venturing out, exploring new places, going beyond the self imposed 10 mile radius from my home.  In addition to driving terrors I was also afraid to just be someplace new - I was afraid of people.  Going anywhere alone was out of the question and so, I spent years in a prison of my own making. 

I'm not sure what changed. Some would say losing 196 pounds gives you a new sense of freedom, that it's liberating. All I know is that now when I drive, I'm not afraid because all roads lead to somewhere.  If I make a wrong turn it's okay and not the end of the world! Where is it written that you have to keep going down the same road? The world is vast and open and all roads should be explored.  Some, you may find too bumpy, some are winding and have ups and downs with valleys and steep hills, and some take you into the world of the unknown and you must proceed with caution. 

Odd isn't it, how life is like driving. There are moments when you think you're going down the right road, but somewhere along the way you realize that you need to change directions. Your destination may not have changed but the current path you're on just isn't getting you to where you want and need to be. 

Fear can be and is crippling. Don't be afraid to make a left turn here, or a right turn there. You know where you want to go right? Enjoy the journey along the way. Meet new people, see new places, experience everything, love this life you have! Choose love over fear. There are no guarantees that you won't crash but you'll survive and start again. What other choice do you have?  Park the car in the garage and waste away behind your walls? You simply must take responsibility for your own happiness.

Start driving  - now. Go where you've never been. Introduce yourself to people you don't know. Life is the ultimate adventure - find yours!

What if...

"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  All life is an experiment.  The more experiments you make the better.  What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn?  What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice.  Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble."  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

 As a child, my son was notorious for playing what I called, the "What if?" game.  It showed his developing analytical thought processes, curiosity, and ability for thinking outside of the box. He would continue to create scenarios until at times I would just say, exasperated, "You cannot play the "what if" game your whole life.  Sometimes, you have to take a risk - take a chance - and see what the out come truly is."  Amazing how we (myself included) are afraid to take those risks and chances, but instead play it safe by staying in a relationship that we know is not good for us, or keeping a job that we absolutely hate, or doing all the things that are expected of us so that we are kept in favor by other people.  Just typing that out made me cringe and utter an expletive.  Why do we tend to demand so much from other people but not for ourselves?  I discover something new about myself when I let go of expectations - some are good, some are not so good but it's who I am.  The good, the bad, and the downright unfathomable.  I still care what people think and that is the hardest hurdle I've yet to overcome. I'm not saying that you should go out and be an absolute ass without a care in the world (because I truly believe in Karma), but when you let the fear - yes fear - of what other people may think of you dictate what you do or say, or keep you from doing what you really want to do, is that living your life to it's fullest potential?

My boyfriend and I appear to be polar opposites.  He's very structured and always has to have a plan and direction and I'm not.  As the warmer weather approaches our relationship could get very interesting.  I love going to the beach and he doesn't.  There will be weekends where I'm going to go and be active and explore this beautiful world that God has created and if he doesn't want to go - oh well.  That may seem harsh or unfeeling but no one knows how much time we have on this earth - why not spend it being happy?  I hope we can find something fun to do together - we will have to see.  I'm still not sure about us as a couple or any potential future we may have but I feel I can at least call him a friend. 

So what if this relationship doesn't work out?  What if I take a chance and look for a new job in this unsettled market? What if I allow myself to let go of expectations and live every day hoping to make a difference in someone's life?  

What if I don't? 

Note to self.. I Love You!

"Loving yourself has nothing to do with being selfish, self-centered or self-engrossed. It means that you accept yourself for what you are. Loving yourself means that you accept responsibility for your own development, growth and happiness. When you love yourself, you pave the way for all you want and need to come to you at the right time in the perfect way.The most accurate measure of our worth is how much we value ourselves. When we value who we are, we are sure to draw to us others who value us as much. We cannot convince others how wonderful and marvelous we are if we do not believe it."

I'm embarking on a mission - finding ways to love myself and fall madly in love with - ME.  Sound crazy? Egotistical? Self absorbent?  Self centered?  As I sit here recovering from toe surgery (thanks to my parents I had a toe that was too long, and I say "was" because part of the toe surgery was to shorten the bone) I have a week to keep my foot up and under ice and spend a lot of time thinking - demystifying the mystery of yours truly.  Not an easy task at all - hell, half the time I can't even figure myself out and why I do the things I do.  I've been told I'm self destructive.  Absolutely.  

Side note - the boyfriend just called - (2nd time today - and I'm going to call him the boyfriend (BF) for no other reason than he refuses to say I'm his girlfriend - LOL) to check on me and get a report of what the doctor said today at my checkup. He asked me if I needed anything - he was actually going to drive up here if I needed him.  How sweet.  I just may keep him.  

I think I'm going to start a love affair - with myself. I've finished my toe exercises for today and since it's late, I'm going to go to bed and get a good night's sleep. I can sleep in tomorrow (and I think I will) followed by whatever my little heart desires (with limited mobility).  On the agenda is watching movies, reading, (toe exercises are unavoidable) but I will also spend some time pampering myself (facial, relaxing bath (foot extended out of the water since I can't get the stitches wet), definitely some meditation, yummy nutritious food and if the weather is warm enough, sitting outside on my balcony in the sun).  I think I will also make a list of the top five things that I absolutely love about me and what makes me smile. 

My very first task will be to stop seeking approval from other people. At my age - I really should care less what people think. I've noticed over the past few months that if I don't actually show people (like the BF) who the real me is, not only will I not be living as my true self but I will be deceiving him and other people I meet.  If he can't handle the fact that at times I laugh at the most random shit, or that I times I have a potty mouth, or that I like to LIVE and do other things besides watch TV then he's not the one for me.  When my toe is fully healed it's balls to the wall baby - you can either hang with me or I'll  catch you on some down time.  Life is too short not to live it fully.  It's time that I stop hiding - me.   Ready or not - HERE I COME!!!

Value Yourself!

Stop treating others as though they are of greater worth than you. Nobody is more important than anyone else. And nobody is more important than you. Nobody. This is not about having a massive ego or being self-righteous; it’s about stopping all the self-sabotage. You know what I mean. It’s about not rationalizing mediocrity and failure any more. It’s about changing your standards and your thinking. It’s about not letting your poor self-esteem get in the way of your potential and your possibilities. It’s about not letting your past become your future. In case you don’t know or you haven’t been told, I will tell you now; you are worthy, you are talented, you are good enough and you are powerful. More than you know. If you don’t believe those words then you don’t value yourself as you should.

I seem to lose sight of this concept quite often - more often than I'd like.  With that being said, there's no one to blame for my predicament except me. My whole life people have told me that I'm too nice and I let people get away with too much or walk all over me.  The sad thing is that it's true.  I would rather let people walk all over me than to have them mad or upset with me.  I think I was born a people pleaser and in some ways, that's totally disgusting to me. I still find it hard to stand up for myself and to tell people what I really think for fear - of - well... abandonment.  I've had abandonment issues since I was a child.  

We tend to blame others when they don't love us or treat us the way that we want to be loved or treated.  Instead of expressing how we feel, we blame, judge and then convict the other person of being guilty. Then we project our verdict onto them and wonder why they react negatively and then use that negative reaction as further proof that our verdict was in fact, correct. Instead of blaming and judging, if we can open up, become vulnerable and EXPRESS our feelings and needs, we give the other person an opportunity to course correct and with this new information. 

This is going to be an experiment with the "boyfriend".  Instead of not saying anything when he comes over on the weekends and takes over my TV I'm going to open my mouth and take control of the remote for at least some of the shows that I want to watch.  And if he says they're stupid I may just kick his ass to the curb. Really?  You're going to come over to my house and call the TV shows I want to watch stupid?  I don't think so.  By the end of this he may think I'm a real bitch but I must take back the parts of myself that I've been letting slip away for fear that he wouldn't like me. It starts tonight - now.  The other part of all this is... should it be this difficult?  I think I'm the one making it more difficult that it should be. 

What's my purpose?

"If you want to find your true purpose in life, know this for certain: Your purpose will only be found in service to others, and in being connected to something far greater than your body/mind/ego."

 

The questions I ask myself the most is, "Why am I here? What is my purpose?"  I pray and ask God for direction and sometimes I think I have the answer - other times I'm right back to being clueless.  (Some people would probably say I'm clueless anyway).  When I help people I feel good. It kinda goes along with the quote at the top of the page. "Your purpose will only be found in service to others."  What kind of service?  I've had several people tell me that I am an inspiration to them and I inwardly recoil at that thought, because all the bad choices I have made in my life rear their ugly heads and I think to myself, "Oh dear - please don't look to me for inspiration considering my all encompassing self-destructive nature."  I smile and say, "Thank you."  Makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide.  Self-destruction and self-sabotage.  That needs to be a blog topic all by itself.

Since I haven't won the lottery yet, my idea for setting up a foundation for people who need cosmetic surgery to remove loose skin will have to wait. I keep asking myself that if I could afford to have mine removed would I finally look in the mirror and like what I see. Probably not. You may have many people tell you how great you look or how pretty you are but until you see it for yourself it's just words blowing around in the wind.  We shouldn't look to other people either to make us feel good about ourselves but honestly, we're human.  Who doesn't want to hear words of flattery and sincerity?  I have to admit though, there is one particular person I would love to have tell me that I'm pretty or look nice.  I don't know, maybe it's not something he's used to or feels comfortable doing but it would at least make me smile.  I do remind myself quite often to look for the things he does do, instead of the things he doesn't do.  We're spending our weekends together now and perhaps I should stop looking for a definition of what we are.  Does it matter? Really? This whole experience has been completely eye-opening in learning how to accept him (and people) as they really are.  It's no different than what I want people to do with me.

I was talking to another lady last night and I think he overheard my statement of, "I'm quite content being single."  Ooops.  At times I really am, just because I see friends and family around me struggle with relationships and considering my own disastrous past it's with good reason that I made that statement.  Other times, when it's just you and the cat you wonder how great being single really is. Right now it works perfectly with having the week days to myself to do whatever I need or want to do and have that "space to breathe" and the weekends to hang out with him.  I have to admit it's a little scary to realize that when he leaves on Sunday nights I miss him as soon as he walks out the door.  He'll call me when he gets back home but it's not the same. I've been very deliberate up to now with keeping my feelings in check and not letting them get in the way - since at times I seem to be my own worst enemy. Valentine's day is Tuesday - maybe that's why I'm feeling out of sorts. Freakin' holiday filled with foo foo that most people only pay attention to once a year.  I would rather have something heartfelt all the other days of the year because you want to and not because the calendar dictates it. 

What I want most of all still hasn't changed. I want to make a difference in this world, give the best of what I have to others and be loved for exactly who I am and the most important thing - to love ME. I was at a club last night and there were a lot of people who told me that I looked very nice and pretty.  Again, I smile and say, "Thank you!" and wonder what the hell these people have been drinking. I watched other girls walked by and realized I'm still the fat girl on the inside that inwardly shrinks because I feel inferior. When I sit in a chair I still gingerly ease into it thinking that it's going to break at any second.  When shopping I still gravitate to the larger clothing size. Habit? Maybe. I'm not sure.  A friend of mine just tagged me in a photo from last night and I let it post on my profile.  I used to never, ever, ever let a full length photo of me show anywhere.  Perhaps I'm making progress.  Slowly.  I looked at it and immediately found things with it that I didn't like but you know what, this is me - as I am now and I'm kinda proud of myself too.  181 pounds lost so far. Not too shabby there girl. 

"You teach people how to treat you..."

"Guilt is a wastebasket term that we use to cover everything negative and bad. One defining factor of guilt is that we commit the ultimate betrayal: abandoning ourselves. If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to heal yourself." -- Dr. Phil

I have realized over the past week or so that I feel guilty. I've been thinking that the old boyfriend has a problem with forgiveness (and that still may be so) but I feel guilty when I'm around him and I find myself over compensating for it.  I'm not telling him what I want or how I feel in an effort to not ruffle any feathers. I let things that he says slide and I find myself making excuses for him. Another quote by Dr. Phil that has always stuck with me is, "You teach people how to treat you."  That is exactly what I'm doing - and I'm teaching him all the wrong things. I still have a long ways to go in putting myself first and standing up for myself and I get so angry that I can barely stand being in my skin because of it.  I am always on edge when I'm around him and I will admit that a lot of that is my own doing. I don't relax because I still feel guilty and I let him treat me in ways that I don't want to be treated. This has got to stop and it will stop.

Twenty-six years ago I made a decision to marry my son's Father and even though the marriage didn't work it happened for a reason - and I believe that reason was my son.  He is truly a remarkable individual and brings so much love and joy to everyone he meets.  I can never regret that decision however, I do regret the apparent devastating affect it had on the old boyfriend.  I have abandoned myself in this instance. I have abandoned my thoughts, feelings, and I can slowly feel my confidence drifting.  I went dancing Saturday night and I even though I think I look better than I have in years, it was hard to keep that thought.  I will go ahead and say that I'm now wearing a size 14 jeans, my collar bones stick out, and in one photo my wrists look deformed because all I could see was bone. When will it stop? When will I obtain that holy grail of self acceptance? When will I look in mirror and see something beautiful?  When will I stop changing who I am to benefit other people? 

I have had many people tell me that the old boyfriend is a sweet and wonderful guy. It doesn't feel like it some times - at least to me. It's odd that my devotional I've been reading this week is on patience and forgivness.  Perhaps I need to read them again.  I believe this is happening for a reason and it could very well be a test of my growth spirtually and emotionally.  Time will tell. I must and will start standing up for myself again. I've come too far to slide backwards.

On a completely different note - when people who you thought were your friends suddenly stop talking to you and won't even say what the problem is - I'll admit it.  It hurts. A lot.  Time goes on and your heart heals - or hardens - whichever the case may be and you let it go. I believed that God wanted those people out of my life and I've been getting on just fine with out them.  The odd part comes when after four months of no contact you get phone and text messages from two of them asking why you walked away and demanding that you talk.  Call it the stubborn Taurus in me or the Irish in me or the Devil in me --  I wasn't about to call or talk to them.  Fast forward three hours of that same night and the hand made wreath I had on my door disappears and is found obliterated on the bottom floor of my apartment building.  Coincidence? Doubtful.  Completely childish? Absolutely. If they were my friends at all and knew anything about me, they would know that such childish acts is not the way to go.  In any case, all I'm choosing to do is ask God to guide their heart and souls and to go on with their lives and find peace.

It's a new week and  a new chance to start fresh. Life is glorious that way. Each day is a new beginning.

My hero...

Instead of wishing you were someone else, be proud of who
you are. You never know who was looking at you wishing
they were you ...

I had someone tell me today that I was their hero and inspiration. I smiled politely and feeling somewhat embarrassed said, "Thank you! You're very sweet."   My idea of a hero is a solider, a cancer survivor, or a survivor of some other great tragedy that takes its toll on the human body, mind and spirit. So, when someone says that to me in reference to my weight loss I become flustered and completely discombobulated. I have not learned to accept compliments with grace and humility.  When I stated that I wanted to lose another 30 or so pounds she looked at me and said, "Where?"  I could have hugged her for that. 

When I start to frown and be critical of the image that I see in the mirror I remind myself that I am created in God's image and He loves me no matter what.  I will keep working on being as healthy as I can, exercising and making the right food choices and control the things that I can. What I have the most difficulty with is the parts that I have no control over. I will probably never wear short sleeve shirts or wear a swim suit out in public.  I had another whole person inside my skin with me and I've got to love all of me - the total package - wrinkles, sags and all. If God loves me as is, why can't I? 

I am very flattered and proud when I am told that I am an inspiration. I consider it a blessing and an honor.

It's not all about me...

Prayer: Lord, for your sake I want people's main impression of me to be that I love others well. 

Something I try to remind myself quite often is to stop over thinking and over analyzing things. It doesn't do any good and more often than not it leaves me with the inability to sleep and a sour disposition.  I had a friend (and I love his absolute honesty) make the statement when I was explaining my confusion over the old boyfriend's behavior and what, if anything could be done about it, "It's kinda conceited of you to think that it's all about you, ya know." I actually laughed out loud at the sheer genius thinking of that sentence. My ego gets in the way and I always think that whatever the problem is has something to do with me. 

If I remove my emotions from the scenario it's easier for me to just let things be. I have a need to control each and every situation and if I can't, I start to panic. 

The old boyfriend doesn't call every day and I suppose that's to be expected.  I did see him Friday night for dinner and a movie and not much has changed. I'm not sure what role I'm supposed to play in his life - because I do believe that absolutely everything happens for a reason. The places you go, the negative and positive energy that flows through all of us is not by coincidence. Life is a journey. The people you meet along the way are not always supposed to stay in your life forever. They will weave in and out of your life - and it will always be a learning experience for all. 

I continue to work on my own emotional and spiritual growth. I know that I have abandonment issues that stem from my childhood and I desperately try to hold onto everyone that enters my life.  When I change the focus away from myself and concentrate on being a reflection of God's love to others, I find that I am more relaxed and able to not take everything personally.

Never chase love or affection. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.

I will let the old boyfriend come to me as he feels comfortable and not try to control or over analyze why he does what he does (or doesn't do).  What I can do is offer unconditional love (as a friend) and be there for him when he needs someone to hang out with or talk to.  I've discovered that having this attitude seems to work better for me.

Life is too short...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life. 

Amen.

Saint Francis of Assisi

 I went to my first country line dancing class tonight and I am so glad I did! It is one of my goals for this year - to learn as many dances as I can and have fun doing them with other people. After the lessons I checked my phone for messages when I was on my way home. No messages. No calls. Mulling this over during the drive I remembered that life is too short and that I shouldn't be so stubborn to expect him to be the one to call all the time.  

A friend of mine called me and told me that his girlfriend tried to commit suicide today. No matter how utterly hopeless things seem, life is far too precious for it to end by your own hands. I make a call to the old boyfriend as soon as I walk in the door. Throughout the course of the conversation I actually tell him what has been on my mind the past few days. I express my confusion at the change in his attitude and the way he behaved towards me a few weeks ago (the intimate kissing and affection) to what is has become now (a chaste kiss on the lips here and there) and also my desire to understand what, if anything, he is expecting from me or the time we're spending together. His answer? He doesn't want to talk about it.  He even mentions again what happened in high school and I know my patience is gone at this point but I try to remain calm and once again say, "As I've told you before, I cannot change what happened when we were in high school and God as my witness I am very sorry if I hurt you, but that is so far in the past.  You have your past and I have mine but we are not 18 anymore, and we have to move forward from this point."  

I invited him to come over Friday night and see a movie with me but I have no idea now if he will show.  I give it one more shot and ask him, "Can you at least tell me what you're feeling?"  "No."  Now I realize that sometimes guys cannot communicate their feelings well but I don't believe what I was asking was all that difficult.  I'm just asking what happened between three weeks ago and now and what do you want from me? 

I started thinking again about the prayer above and perhaps I need to be a little more understanding and patient and take the advice I was given yesterday to not try so hard to find someone steady.  I expressed to him how I felt and what I was thinking, and that's all I can do.  I hope at least I gave him something to think about - but my suspicion is that it went in one ear and out the other. 

Mirror, mirror...

"One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people."
Dr. Wayne Dyer

Do you ever stand in front of the mirror and say to yourself, "Seriously. What. The. Hell? Why are you still so concerned with what other people think about you?" 

Someone told me today that I should take more time for myself and not try so hard to find someone steady. It didn't occur to me that I appeared to be trying so hard. As much as I like having time to myself, surely it's understandable that I want someone with whom I share quiet times, travel, go on adventures, and have that one person that I can trust and love unconditionally by my side. 

Are there times when you start wondering if your standards are too high? [Side note: Mozart's Requiem is an excellent piece to listen to while you're pondering such deep musings] Is it ever okay to lower your standards or guidelines that you live by just to avoid being alone?   

What is causing such angst? Tonight I found myself expecting a call from the old boyfriend. He has called me for 16 days straight and I've begun to look forward to those calls. As I've said before, expectations get me into serious trouble. Since it was getting late, I asked myself, "Should I call him?" Did I mention that Pride & Prejudice is my favorite movie? I am, at times, my own worst enemy. I can be very stubborn and prideful, and I cause the majority of my grief myself.  I could have called him, but didn't. Haven't we established some sort of status quo with him calling me? He calls, I answer, we talk, and it's enjoyable.  My ego is a bit miffed because he hasn't once said that I look nice when we go out or any of the other pleasantries that men usually bestow upon women. As much as I tell myself that I don't need anyone else to approve of me, you know very well deep down, we all love compliments and expressions of affection. 

Aren't we all afraid of rejection?  Is there anybody else on this roller coaster? Does it have to be this hard? I detest dating sites or dating more than one person at a time.

Don't misunderstand, I'm quite capable of existing on my own and have done so for quite a while.  However, those moments of loneliness are tough to deal with even when you know it's better than being miserable with someone who just isn't for you.  We're going to have to have a serious talk soon, this old boyfriend and I. We're not 18 anymore and I'm the kind of person that likes to know in what direction things are going.  

In the mean time, the only thing I can do is keep going and keep believing in myself.

Here I Go Again...

"If someone makes you miserable more than they make you happy - it doesn't matter how much you love them, you need to let them go."

... and another new year begins. To say that I have come a long way would be an extreme understatement however, I have a great deal more to accomplish and I'm still learning about *me*.  Who am I? What do I want? What is my desired end result? 

Over the past two years I have lost 175 pounds. I did not have surgery (and for those of you that choose that option - God bless you and good luck).  I still follow a low carb / no sugar lifestyle and I have at least 30 more pounds I'd like to lose. I would be lying if I said it was easy. It is one of the hardest tasks I have ever undertaken but it has also been the most rewarding because *I* did it for *me*.  I find myself dealing with the after effects of losing a whole person and I recently joked with my sister with regards to the joys of "gravity".  "When it gets cold all I have to do is remove my bra and I have instant knee warmers!!"  Unless I win the lottery or become the beneficiary of some unknown wealthy relative, excess skin is a physical, mental and emotional hurdle I will have to deal with for the remainder of this life's journey.  When I can totally love me - exactly as I am and not flinch when I look in the mirror - will be another life changing moment.

I recently encountered an old high school boyfriend and have seen him multiple times over the past few weeks.  It's been 26 years and I'm not sure where this is going - if anywhere.  When you've been single for any length of time you get comfortable with your own routine, doing what you want when you want and unless you're really ready to make some concessions and compromises I would suggest stating up front - "I'm not looking for a relationship."  There's a part of me that knows he hasn't forgiven me -- (flashback to high school: my senior year I told him I was engaged to someone else). I can't go back and undo that decision and I will not regret it because that marriage gave me the most incredible gift and the center of my world - my son.  The old/new (?) boyfriend and I are getting to know each other again and I will tell you now that I am one of the most patient and kind people you'd ever want to know, but I have my limits.  New Year's Eve finds the two of us at a club and I have chided myself for having expectations. Expectations leads to disappointment when people don't act or behave in the way you want them to. Was I hoping for a romantic kiss at midnight? Absolutely. What did I end up with? A chaste kiss on the lips.  I mean, three weeks earlier he was all over me. Why yes. Color me confused.

I want what anyone else wants.  Someone who loves God and follows His will, is my best friend, loves me exactly as I am, will always be in my corner and have my back, will proudly say to other people, "Yep, that's *my* girl," will tell me that I'm pretty even when I don't believe it myself, and will stay committed to me.  I invite you to come along with me on that journey to determine if such a person actually exists.