Life is too short...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life. 

Amen.

Saint Francis of Assisi

 I went to my first country line dancing class tonight and I am so glad I did! It is one of my goals for this year - to learn as many dances as I can and have fun doing them with other people. After the lessons I checked my phone for messages when I was on my way home. No messages. No calls. Mulling this over during the drive I remembered that life is too short and that I shouldn't be so stubborn to expect him to be the one to call all the time.  

A friend of mine called me and told me that his girlfriend tried to commit suicide today. No matter how utterly hopeless things seem, life is far too precious for it to end by your own hands. I make a call to the old boyfriend as soon as I walk in the door. Throughout the course of the conversation I actually tell him what has been on my mind the past few days. I express my confusion at the change in his attitude and the way he behaved towards me a few weeks ago (the intimate kissing and affection) to what is has become now (a chaste kiss on the lips here and there) and also my desire to understand what, if anything, he is expecting from me or the time we're spending together. His answer? He doesn't want to talk about it.  He even mentions again what happened in high school and I know my patience is gone at this point but I try to remain calm and once again say, "As I've told you before, I cannot change what happened when we were in high school and God as my witness I am very sorry if I hurt you, but that is so far in the past.  You have your past and I have mine but we are not 18 anymore, and we have to move forward from this point."  

I invited him to come over Friday night and see a movie with me but I have no idea now if he will show.  I give it one more shot and ask him, "Can you at least tell me what you're feeling?"  "No."  Now I realize that sometimes guys cannot communicate their feelings well but I don't believe what I was asking was all that difficult.  I'm just asking what happened between three weeks ago and now and what do you want from me? 

I started thinking again about the prayer above and perhaps I need to be a little more understanding and patient and take the advice I was given yesterday to not try so hard to find someone steady.  I expressed to him how I felt and what I was thinking, and that's all I can do.  I hope at least I gave him something to think about - but my suspicion is that it went in one ear and out the other.