Mirror, mirror...

"One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people."
Dr. Wayne Dyer

Do you ever stand in front of the mirror and say to yourself, "Seriously. What. The. Hell? Why are you still so concerned with what other people think about you?" 

Someone told me today that I should take more time for myself and not try so hard to find someone steady. It didn't occur to me that I appeared to be trying so hard. As much as I like having time to myself, surely it's understandable that I want someone with whom I share quiet times, travel, go on adventures, and have that one person that I can trust and love unconditionally by my side. 

Are there times when you start wondering if your standards are too high? [Side note: Mozart's Requiem is an excellent piece to listen to while you're pondering such deep musings] Is it ever okay to lower your standards or guidelines that you live by just to avoid being alone?   

What is causing such angst? Tonight I found myself expecting a call from the old boyfriend. He has called me for 16 days straight and I've begun to look forward to those calls. As I've said before, expectations get me into serious trouble. Since it was getting late, I asked myself, "Should I call him?" Did I mention that Pride & Prejudice is my favorite movie? I am, at times, my own worst enemy. I can be very stubborn and prideful, and I cause the majority of my grief myself.  I could have called him, but didn't. Haven't we established some sort of status quo with him calling me? He calls, I answer, we talk, and it's enjoyable.  My ego is a bit miffed because he hasn't once said that I look nice when we go out or any of the other pleasantries that men usually bestow upon women. As much as I tell myself that I don't need anyone else to approve of me, you know very well deep down, we all love compliments and expressions of affection. 

Aren't we all afraid of rejection?  Is there anybody else on this roller coaster? Does it have to be this hard? I detest dating sites or dating more than one person at a time.

Don't misunderstand, I'm quite capable of existing on my own and have done so for quite a while.  However, those moments of loneliness are tough to deal with even when you know it's better than being miserable with someone who just isn't for you.  We're going to have to have a serious talk soon, this old boyfriend and I. We're not 18 anymore and I'm the kind of person that likes to know in what direction things are going.  

In the mean time, the only thing I can do is keep going and keep believing in myself.