Here I Go Again...

"If someone makes you miserable more than they make you happy - it doesn't matter how much you love them, you need to let them go."

... and another new year begins. To say that I have come a long way would be an extreme understatement however, I have a great deal more to accomplish and I'm still learning about *me*.  Who am I? What do I want? What is my desired end result? 

Over the past two years I have lost 175 pounds. I did not have surgery (and for those of you that choose that option - God bless you and good luck).  I still follow a low carb / no sugar lifestyle and I have at least 30 more pounds I'd like to lose. I would be lying if I said it was easy. It is one of the hardest tasks I have ever undertaken but it has also been the most rewarding because *I* did it for *me*.  I find myself dealing with the after effects of losing a whole person and I recently joked with my sister with regards to the joys of "gravity".  "When it gets cold all I have to do is remove my bra and I have instant knee warmers!!"  Unless I win the lottery or become the beneficiary of some unknown wealthy relative, excess skin is a physical, mental and emotional hurdle I will have to deal with for the remainder of this life's journey.  When I can totally love me - exactly as I am and not flinch when I look in the mirror - will be another life changing moment.

I recently encountered an old high school boyfriend and have seen him multiple times over the past few weeks.  It's been 26 years and I'm not sure where this is going - if anywhere.  When you've been single for any length of time you get comfortable with your own routine, doing what you want when you want and unless you're really ready to make some concessions and compromises I would suggest stating up front - "I'm not looking for a relationship."  There's a part of me that knows he hasn't forgiven me -- (flashback to high school: my senior year I told him I was engaged to someone else). I can't go back and undo that decision and I will not regret it because that marriage gave me the most incredible gift and the center of my world - my son.  The old/new (?) boyfriend and I are getting to know each other again and I will tell you now that I am one of the most patient and kind people you'd ever want to know, but I have my limits.  New Year's Eve finds the two of us at a club and I have chided myself for having expectations. Expectations leads to disappointment when people don't act or behave in the way you want them to. Was I hoping for a romantic kiss at midnight? Absolutely. What did I end up with? A chaste kiss on the lips.  I mean, three weeks earlier he was all over me. Why yes. Color me confused.

I want what anyone else wants.  Someone who loves God and follows His will, is my best friend, loves me exactly as I am, will always be in my corner and have my back, will proudly say to other people, "Yep, that's *my* girl," will tell me that I'm pretty even when I don't believe it myself, and will stay committed to me.  I invite you to come along with me on that journey to determine if such a person actually exists.